You're the one-night stand I can't get out of my head.
another nothing day. same old. same. old. i could have slept through today and absolutely nothing in the world would have changed. or do i know that for sure? if i had not hopped in the car and went to where i went with devito would something be different in my life right now?
maybe while i was gone someone from my past came and knocked on my door.
or maybe the choice i chose at some point of the day prevented me from dying.
or kept me from living.
or steered me away from my soul mate.
or set in motion the chain of events that would ultimately result in the end of the world. finally.
what if making a left instead of a right, or going to mobil instead of am/pm, made it so that someone turned right instead of left or go to am/pm rather than mobil and they met the person they are meant to be with. or their demise.
what does it matter. i had a whole plan for today and it hasn't worked out one bit.
maybe tomorrow i'll do what i'm supposed to.
1. Cynicism.
and so I thought to myself "why is it that certain people make me freeze up?" As I looked at her sitting on my bed I couldn't help to think about how badly I wanted to be sitting next to her, making her smile, having her think of me as interesting and curious to what my life was like. Is that selfish? Am I being a narcissist? Possibly.
But that doesn't take away from the attraction.
Every girl I've met has been the same. Shallow. Vapid. Not too much really going on inside there. Pretty faces are no substitute for petty thoughts. But I digress.
You are still sitting on my bed. I have no conversation to offer. I'm frozen. I've put you on a pedestal and I don't know how to bring you down. I should be telling you this in person but I don't know how. Were you a random person on a random night at a random party it would be different. But I know you. I know your story. I know what you'v been through and I know it hasn't been easy. I know that you are different and that scares me. Pursuing you would take me out of my confort zone. And the walls to that area are so thick it would take much more that a sense of infatuation to break them.
I took to long. You've decided to get up. I thought we shared a connection earlier but I guess I was wrong. I'd like you to know that you make me nervous.
But you are gorgeous.
I have to be at work at seven in the morning. why am i awake?
I want the good life. I want champagne and special treatment. I want to constantly be on my Blackberry checking e-mails about casting calls and shoot locations and date changes and costume questions and not just because I want to check my Facebook. I want people to ask my opinion on the new films that are coming out. I want Sundance. I want Tribeca. I want Cannes. I want assistants. I want to know what I'm talking about. I want desperate calls at 3 a.m. in the morning informing me that our lead actor was just arrested on Sunset for driving under the influence and possesion of a controlled substance. I want agents and lawyers and cut-throat managers. I want to be stressed. I want vacations in Europe and weekend trips across seas. I want period pieces and dark comedies. Dramas and documentaries. Independent. Studio. I want coffee and Variety in the morning. New York and Los Angeles. Big
talent and no names. I want to yell "Cut!" and "Action!" and "Let's do it again." I want my name in lights, credits and dvd cases. I want my own chair. I want fame and money and cars and houses and fans and controversy and tabloids and parties and work and research and clout and comfort.
I want to be happy.
c'moooonnnn words. i know you're in there.. don't be shy. just come out. there's nothing to be afraid of. i promise the world will embrace you. just be who you are. say what you want to say. let the shine on you and grow. i promise i'll treat you right. words, you're my only friend. without you i don't know where i would be right now. without you i don't what i would have done as a child. words, you kept me safe. words words words words words. words, you are like a metaphor for life and humanity. you are formed from individual letters, like individual people. and when you put several of you together you form a sentence, you form a community. and after many of these communities, you form a story, a whole world, created out of nothing. sadly your time is slowly coming to an end. television has become the bane of your existence, the glare blinding peoples eyes so they can't see what's written on pages. damn you television, with your talking heads that say nothing and reality television bringing down the human intelligence one stupid elimination at a time.
Johannes Gutenberg must be churning in his grave right now.
